Overheard at Santa Barbara, California. (I wasn't paying attention at the beginning of this call, so I don't know the type of aircraft.)

Aircraft:
"Santa Barbara Clearance, N***** at FBO, requesting clearance to —"

[pause]

Aircraft:
"Oh, hell."

Clearance (deadpan and without hesitation):
"I can't send you there ... ."

Jo Duffy
via e-mail

Today's "Short Final" breaks with tradition a bit by not being heard over the radio — but we couldn't pass up the opportunity to share this tale:

"I was coming back from Tampa in the early evening heading for Craig in my 182. Over Gainesville I came around a large cloud and came face to face with a UFO.

"Black, octagon-shaped with spikes, clearly not of terrestrial origin. I turned toward it. Heart racing, sweating like a pig, I could barely hold her steady. I don't believe in UFOss but there it was. About a mile out, it turns, and I can see the word Goodyear on it's side.

"What I saw in the fading light was the Blimp on end.

"But for a brief moment, I was making history.

"Things are often not what they seem."

Dr. James L. Jones
via e-mail

I was on the ILS into Oakland, California one busy dav and was cleared to land behind two other aircraft that were in the pattern. The pilot of the aircraft ahead of me was clearly flustered:

Piper:
"Tower, is Piper One Two Three cleared to land?"

Tower:
"Piper One Two Three, yes, you're cleared to land. Runway 27 Right, number two behind a Cessna just passing over the numbers."

Piper:
"Okay, Piper One Two Three cleared to land behind the Cessna."

[pause]

Piper:
"I don't see him."

[pause]

Piper:
"Tower, is Piper One Two Three number one to land on 27 Right?"

Tower:
"Piper One Two Three, you are soooo number one."

John Ewing
via e-mail

The following exchange took place en route to the opening day at Sun 'n Fun one April:

Me:
"Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee. 11,000."

Center:
"Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee, roger. Jacksonville altimeter 30.12."

Me:
"Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?"

Center:
"I'll tell you what: If you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground."

Robert J. Miller
Tonawanda, New York

En route from San Antonio, Texas to Kerb Wille, I let my 19-year-old private pilot daughter run the radios:

daughter:
"Center, Piper Five Six Six Seven Romeo."

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, go ahead."

daughter:
"Request flight following."

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, state vour location, altitude, and destination."

[long pause]

daughter:
"Uh, San Antonio."

[another pause]

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, when you figure out where you are and where you want to go, give us a call back."

James Crawford
via e-mail

Heard a few years ago whilst flying a 747 from LAX to LHR:

Salt Lake Center:
"Airline 123, you bound for Vegas?"

Airline 123:
"Yup."

Salt Lake Center:
"You a [DC-]10?"

Airline 123:
"Yup."

Salt Lake Center:
"Well, I guess your passengers need a 10 to take home their winnings?"

Airline 123:
"Nope! Our passengers can take home their winnings in a Cessna 152."

Alan Murgatroyd
via e-mail

Many years ago, in Calgary:

Snooty voice:
Ah, tower, Air Canada Two Oh Four. This will be a fully automatic landing if you'd care to observe.

[later ...]

Imitative voice:
Ah, tower, this is Canadian Six Seventy Five [rival]. This will be a fully manual landing, if you'd care to observe.

John Warner

Returning to Princeton, New Jersey in a Seminole, I was proudly clipping along at 140 knots and can only assume that my deep voice and professional-sounding tone led to us appearing to be more than we were:

Me:
"New York approach, Seminole Two Two Eight, 5000."

Approach:
"Seminole Two Two Eight, Morristown altimeter 30.08. Proceed direct Solberg, maintain 5000. Were you given any speed restrictions? If so, you can resume normal speed."

Me:
"Direct Solberg, 5000, Two Two Eight. And we're a Seminole. This is normal speed."

Karl Siil
Princeton, New Jersey

Heard at Lawrence, Massachusetts:

Tower:
"Arrow Eight Two Xray, slowest possible speed. Traffic ahead is an ultralight on a half-mile final."

Ultralight:
"Tower, we'll climb out so he can land."

Tower:
"Roger, climb and maintain 1700, runway heading. Arrow Eight Two Xray, cleared to land, caution, mowing in progress, right side of runway."

Arrow:
"Roger, duck under the lawn mower ahead and avoid the one on the ground. Cleared to land, Arrow Eight Two Xray."

Angelo Iannuzzo Nashua
New Hampshire

Returning to Republic Airport in Farmingdale, New York on New Year's Day, I heard the following exchange on the air between the tower controller and the pilot of a Piper Arrow:

Arrow:
"Republic tower, Arrow One Two Three Four Five, eight miles north, inbound with India."

Tower:
"Arrow Three Four Five, report right downwind runway 32."

Arrow:
"Any chance we can get a straight in?"

Tower:
"You said you were north, didn't you?"

Arrow:
"Yes, seven miles north."

Tower:
"Arrow Three Four Five, the only way I can give you a straight in for Runway 32 is if you turn north and continue for about 24,000 miles."

[pause]

Arrow:
"Uh, okay. Sorry. Happy New Year ... ."

Daniel A. Torres
Baldwin, New York

Overheard in the vicinity of Buchanan Tower in Concord, California:

Cessna 123:
"Buchanan Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three, seven south of Buchanan, 2000 feet, request transit, northbound."

Buchanan Tower:
"Cessna One Two Three, transition approved. Report clear.

[30-second pause]

Cessna 123:
"Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three. Where is Clear?"

Saul Chaikin

With my CFII Jim in the right seat, we were on vectors to Allentown Airport for practice instrument approaches. En route, we heard the approach controller making the following call to another pilot in the area.

Approach:
Cessna One Three Four, two o'clock, same altitude, have you spotted it?

Cessna 134:
No, I'm under the hood.

Ed Dolezal
Bridgewater, New Jersey

During a recent departure from Essex County Airport in Caldwell, New Jersey, the tower controller must have been frazzled with intensive student training in the pattern:

Tower:
Bonanza Seven Zero Mike Romeo, contact New York departure and have a good flight.

Bonanza:
To departure. Bonanza Zero Mike Romeo.

Have a nice day.

Tower:
It's too late for that.

Returning home from the West Coast a few years ago, we landed in Flint, Mich. The Midwest had had weeks of rain and overcast skies that summer, and I got this on departure:

"Bonanza Five Four Seven Zero Victor, when you get on top, would you look out to the southeast and tell me if you see a big bright light?"

I do believe I tried to pass on this little edict many years ago without success, and since I never saw a response, I will try one more time, just for my old Yankee mate, Ken Sunderland:

An Aussie grazier flew his antique Auster aircraft to Mascot Airport, Sydney, some time back to enact some business at the offices of business acquaintances. Not being familiar with controlled airspace procedures, although making it safely to the airport, he required and requested guidance to the GA parking area.

Much later, after the completion of his business and returning to the airport, he eventually taxied out to the major runway 16, again guided by ATC to take his place in the queue for take-off clearance. When finally cleared to line up and subsequently cleared for take-off, his instructions were to call "123 airborne" (the departure frequency).

Applying maximum power and concentrating on keeping his aircraft on the centreline on the roll, the tail rose, and soon after the aircraft became airborne, whereupon the pilot pressed his transmit button and called ... "1-2-3 airborne"!

The American League Championship series between Cleveland and Boston began on a Friday night. Early the next morning, after an IFR handoff to Boston Center, the pilot of a Boston-bound aircraft posed the all-important question:

Piper 123:
Sox win last night?

Boston Center:
Yeah!

Piper 123:
That's too bad.

[thoughtful pause]

Piper 123:
You're not going to make us hold now, are you?

Boston Center:
Probably not — but just remember, I'm not paying for the gas!

Piper Arrow pilot was on a 1/4-mile final, making a late-night emergency landing at MSP due to a faulty nosegear indicator, with fire trucks and emergency vehicles lining both sides of the runway.

Overheard:
Wow, not even [U.S. President] Bush gets this kind of treatment when he lands!

(The nose wheel held up O.K.)

Flying our Bonanza from Cape Cod, Massachusetts to Morristown, New Jersey at 6,000 feet with a big thunderstorm to the west, we were handed off to New York approach:

Me:
Approach, Bonanza Eight Zero Lima level 6,000, heading 270.

Approach:
Bonanza Eight Zero Lima, descend and maintain 5,000.

Me:
Okay to stay at 6,000 for a better view of the weather ahead?

Approach:
Whaddever, sure, stay at 6,000.

Later, we were close to some buildups when approach turned us right to 280 degrees.

Me:
Eighty Lima, would really rather turn left about 10 degrees to stay out of the buildups ahead.

Approach (Exasperated Tone):
Okay, do whatever vou want to do. Just let me know when you're done.

While flying through Joshua Approach airspace in Southern California:

Joshua Approach:
"Bonanza Five Victor X-Ray, be advised you have traffic at your 12 o'clock 10 miles, an F-15."

Bonanza 5VX:
"Roger, we'll be looking, no contact."

Approach:
"Bonanza Five Victor X-Ray, traffic should be no factor but should be fun to watch."

Cessna 123:
"Not in this wild machine."

Approach:
"That's OK, I fly a Skyhawk, too."

Overheard near Greensboro, N.C.:

Greensboro Approach:
"Cessna One Two Three, fly heading one four zero, left base runway five, keep your speed up, turn it tight and I'll get you in front of the RJ."

Cessna 123 (hesitating):
"Um, turn ... base ... five ... keep the speed up."

Approach:
"Pretend you're an F-15."

Cessna 123:
"Uh, OK."

Approach:
"You're not buying it."

Overheard by a passenger from Chicago to London, England:

Minneapolis Center:
"United Nine Two Eight Heavy, direct Badger — Whoa, we're not going to Badger are we — Nine Two Eight fly heading 340."

United 928:
"Um, we're going to London."

Center:
"Ah, United Nine Two Eight Heavy, fly 010, vectors to London."

Center (15 seconds later):
"Of course that's not really vectors for London, it's vectors for — um, PECOK."

Flying home to Portland Troutdale (KTTD) from Medford, Ore. (KMFR) Friday night, I heard the following:

Portland Approach: November One Two Charlie, traffic ten o’clock, southbound at 9,000, a Navajo.

12C: We’re looking.

Approach: Correction, it’s a Malibu.

12C: Still looking.

Approach: Sorry, it’s really a Navajo. Oh well, what the heck, it’s dark.

On a recent trip from Illinois to Arkansas, we overheard the following exchange:

Razorback Approach: Cessna Two Three Tango, Razorback Approach. Have you changed your destination from Houston, Texas?

Cessna 23T: Razorback Approach, Cessna Two Three Tango. That’s a negative. Destination is still Houston.

Approach: Well Cessna Two Three Tango, on your current heading you are not going to even hit the state of Texas.

Cessna 23T: Approach, Cessna Two Three Tango … we are experiencing … nav problems.

Approach: Cessna Two Three Tango, we assumed that, too … turn right heading 179 direct Houston.

verhead during a rather quiet evening on Minneapolis Center.

Unknown aircraft: Minneapolis Center. Still there?

Minneapolis Center: Engineering to Bridge. Aye, Captain. Tricorder readings indicate carbon-based units still infest the planet.

Heard on ground frequency at Oakland-Pontiac (Mich.) Airport (KPTK):

Oakland Ground: Ground vehicle one, we’ve had a report of a hawk and a fox fighting at the approach end to 9R. Please investigate.

Ground One [minutes later]: Oakland Ground, this is ground vehicle one. The fight is over. The hawk won.

Oakland Ground: Yes! Once again, a demonstration of the clear superiority of air power.

Heard one day near Chicago:

Chicago Center: Southwest Two Four One Three, traffic at your nine o’clock, three miles.

Southwest 2413: What kind of a plane is that?

Center: Beech Seven Two Two, what type plane are you flying?

Beech 722: Bonanza F33A.

Center: Southwest did you copy?

Southwest 2413 [other pilot’s voice]: I don’t know why he wants to know — he can’t afford it.

Last July, on a 90-degree-plus day, in my Cessna 150 just 30 minutes fuel burn below gross, in IMC and at the already unbelievable altitude of 5,000 feet, Saginaw Approach made this request:

Saginaw Approach: Four Five Uniform, I need you to climb and maintain 7,000.

Cessna 45U: Leaving five climbing seven. But it’s gonna take me about 20 minutes to do it.

Approach: Four Five Uniform, I know. I don’t need you there for another 20 minutes!

Overheard at the Shreveport Downtown (KDTN) Airport, from a student pilot still very green on the radio.

N3AB: Uh, Downtown Ground, this is Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, will be taxiing to the north practice area, negative radar.

Downtown Ground [amused]: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, I guess that would be quite a long taxi, wouldn’t it?

N3AB [after a short pause]: Uh, Downtown Ground, Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, uh, say again?

Ground [chuckling]: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, never mind, taxi to runway one four.